The working mom blog I actually needed to read…

I have read every single blog I can find for new working moms, the tired mom, the failing mom, the how to find a better balance as a working mom, you name it, I have researched it and I have yet to find one that fits me perfectly where I am today. So here I am, writing my own! You see, I have three school aged girls (5, 8 &10) I have always done some kind of work from home to bring in income but I have always been home or extremely flexible with my children. When my youngest started kindergarten I knew it was time to go back to a full time job and I am very blessed to have gotten a great job in the school district with the girls same schedules. I should be so happy right? I mean some moms don’t even get that! So why am I unhappy? Chances are it isn’t just the new job. As stressful as it is, I love it! And I’m pretty good at it. I feel confident and successful when I’m there. Chances are it’s not just the kids either. I’ve been raising them for 10 years now. I mean, sure it’s hard! Some days have been like pull your hair out hard but I have survived this long. The reality is, it’s both. The combination is basically killing me slowly. I have learned one thing since I started working full time:

I CANNOT DO IT ALL!

I mean that literally. Moms do A LOT. I cannot maintain the same household and daily life I did before I went back to work.

My areas of weakness:

#1. LAUNDRY

I HATE laundry! Laundry hates ME!

There is a pile of clean laundry on just about every piece of furniture in my home. I am a pretty humorous person but I’m not even joking in the slightest. It’s embarrassing and sets my mood each time I walk by them. But they continue to stare at me with each passing day because well, I am just too flat out exhausted to sort out who’s is who’s, fold them, hang them and put them in each child’s drawer for them to end up all over the child’s floor by bedtime. And Yes, that happens to me, DAILY! So kids, Mom gives up! You can continue to get dressed off the couch, frustrated when you can’t find matching socks and the correct sized panties, until you care enough to keep up with what I put away.

#2. TIME

I don’t have the time I had before. I have 7 days a year off. I somehow have to squeeze in Dr appointment me for all three kids AND myself in 7 days?! Is that a joke?! Nope. It’s not. I can’t attend school parties or bring my kids lunch. I haven’t made it to one single event for my last babies first year in kindergarten this year. That’s just sad. People alway’s say “oh she won’t remember.” Well thank God for her. But what about me? I sure will remember and will ache for the memories for the rest of my life. I miss the days of play dates and coffee/lunch meet ups out with family and friends during the week.

#3. LONELINESS

Yes I said it. I’m lonely. How can that even be? I work with dozens of women with the same work passion as me, who also have young children. But guess what? We all rush out after work to get kids to their sports or church events and actually find a minute to say hello and goodnight to our spouses. We are too tired and too guilty to make friendship a priority. It’s true. Loneliness for a working mom who is in fact surrounded by people is a real thing. I will likely say no when you text and invite me out on a week night, but please keep inviting me. It somehow eases the pain of saying no, if I know YOU know how much I ache to say yes.

4. FINANCIAL WOES

How is it possible that I work full time and we are still pinching pennies? I mean what am I even working for? Every mom who takes on a job because she has to, fully understands this! I work to help supplement our income but it’s my first year in the workforce in over a decade, therefore my income is the bare minimum. That’s super annoying. I mean it makes enough of a difference to keep on keepin on and I’ll hang onto that I suppose. I’m doing my part. It’s super tiny, but it’s a part.

5. GUILT

The dreaded word. Guilt. This one gets me deep. I have guilt for all the above points. My home is an unorganized mess, I don’t make my girls school events, I forget to sign folders, I rarely pack them lunches. I am too dang tired to take them to the park after work even though they beg me EVERY SINGLE DAY. I have zero energy to build or maintain friendships. How good of a wife and mother would I be if I said yes to dinner out with friends when I have a pile of dishes in the sink from three nights ago, I couldn’t make it to my daughters kinder awards in time and I haven’t finished a sentence with my husband in about a week!? Yep. Guilt. It’s the biggest struggle of them all. No matter how great I am doing at work, somethings being put on the back burner at home.

#6. BALANCE

So how do we find a balance?! I suppose we don’t ever really. Maybe just Stop trying so hard to be perfect? We cannot do it all and we cannot feel guilty for it. We do what we can, when we can, where we can and how we can and we trust that God himself will fill in the gaps. He created the universe. He gave you a husband to do life WITH, he entrusted these kids to you BOTH, ask your husband for some help. He just needs to know you need him. He can’t read your mind, as annoying as that is, It’s not really his fault.🤷🏼‍♀️ The most important thing I’m learning this year is to keep in the word and prayer and be open and honest with your family and core people on where you are and what you need. You are not alone, so please don’t ever find yourself too lonely. ❤️

How to heal a Grieving heart.

Grief is a funny thing and it looks different for just about everyone. My journey started the week my grandma died of dementia in the summer of 2017. I was privileged to be her part time care giver the last year of her life. I took her to dr appointments, shopping trips, lunch dates, you name it. I bathed her, blow dried her hair, clipped her nails, brushed her dentures, spoon fed her medication in her apple sauce, lifted her, changed her, sang to her and LOVED HER! Amazingly enough, even with her mind fading to a point she was unable to remember my name…SHE KNEW ME and she LOVED ME TOO. We had a very special bond like no other. There is no way to explain the guilt I felt that last week of her life just watching her die. I was her caretaker and no where in those final days was a I able to help her. It STILL hurts. Sure overtime the pain feels different. Of course she’s in a better place, healed and with her children who passed before her. But I miss her. It sounds selfish to admit it but I miss how much she needed me. I miss how much she loved me. I have a tendency to cling to what was comfortable and comforting Which has played a huge role in the season I am currently in. Soon after my grandma died I had to get myself back into the real world work force for the first time in 10 years. The same week I started my new job, my last baby was starting kindergarten. A month into my new routine, My best friend told me she was moving. And most recently, all ties were cut off of a 20 plus year friendship. I cannot even begin to put into words how heart-aching this year has been for me. At this point I recognized the pain of grieving the loss of a loved one but I never knew you could grieve something or someone who was very much still alive. I am now realizing that I’m grieving “what was” job wise. The flexibility, attending my kids school functions, simple things like making drs appointments and phone calls throughout my day. I’m grieving what was before my best friend moved away. It was ME she ran a small group with and went to dinner with. Watching her start new is a brand new experience for me. I love her enough to be thrilled when Jesus blesses her But by golly he best not bless her with a better friend than me! Just being real. I’m struggling with fear and jealousy. Every bit of my fear can be boiled down to who I believe Jesus is and who I believe I am to Jesus. I’m at a crossroads between what is normal grieving patterns and what needs some deep rooted healing. How do you grieve and heal at the same time?

Seasons change.

Being a mom to 3 young children has always had its Challenges when it’s come to needing that second income. I’ve always worked in some form or fashion but each job has had its own season. I’ve nannied, worked in church Childcare, done sales from home and most recently I’ve cared for my grandmother. Each one was ideal for it’s own season. This past summer has been nothing short of emotionally exhausting. Watching my grandma pass away was the hardest thing I’ve ever walked through. I’m still walking through it, actually. She had such a special place in my little family’s hearts, that it felt so unnatural for me to “move on.” So when it came time this last week to search for a new job that would replace the exact amount I lost and would allow me to continue being the busy mom I’m called to be, it was no easy task. I put myself out there And I’m proud of myself for that. Being A Caregiver in the evenings means no family time. A full time Nanny during the day means no break when Jenna’s in pre-k 3 hours a day. And I’ve earned that break, at least one day a week! 🙂 I’m sure all moms feel that way at some point and time. I say it but then when all is quiet I will silently sob. I’ve been left with this delima of balancing all that is already on my plate. I began to pray asking God to show me what to do. The same night I’m out to dinner with my girl friends telling them I’ll do Whatever it takes. I’ll work Nights, weekends and nanny all the kids I can get, Somehow I’ll replace that income. My mom texts And it says “I think I’ve come up with a way to replace that income where you don’t have to kill yourself getting there.” My initial reaction was to steer away from allowing my mommy to bail me out. It wasn’t until days later I reread that and understood what God was trying to show me. For this season in time I will be Nina’s baking assistant! It will be fun, flexible and helpful to my mom who has a true gift, but only two hands. I don’t know if this season will be short or long. I don’t know if people may respond negativity to my staying under my mom’s wing another season but I know after the summer we’ve both just walked through together, losing grandma, she needs my presence in her next chapter as much as I need hers. I love what God is doing and the freedom he has to do even more with my flexible schedule. 

Not so sure.

I have done research on just about every neurological disorder out there in hopes to understand my middle daughter better. We currently have an ADHD combined type, SPD and an anxiety diagnosis. We are also now red flagged at school for dyslexia testing. I am not sold on any one of these diagnoses. Every disorder has a list of symptoms and each list has something in common with the next. It’s very confusing. What could be sensory overload could in fact be a sign of Autism. What was once labeled ADHD could very well be confused with dyslexia. Dyslexia can tend to hint to ADHD. Most kids that have one, also have the other. Or ASD is almost always misdiagnosed when it’s actually SPd. Then there is Anxiety which hints to be any one of these disorders! How can we differ all of these symptoms and possibilities? 

I just decided to create my OWN symptom check list and add up how many of them fall into which category. Feel free to guide me.
Impulsive 

Hyper

Argumentative 

Extreme sensitivity to Sound and light

Prefers being held or wrapped tight when upset 

Academic delay in math and reading 

Lack of some Social boundaries 

Insecure

Headache and tummy aches 

Embarrasses easily 

Lack of understanding sarcasm/jokes

Nail biting 

Hand sucking

Bed wetting

Mumbling 

Gifted in creativity (art/gymnastics)

ADHD is real.

So I admit, I used to be one who didn’t believe in diagnosing children who were just “bad.” Because they must just have “bad” parents who can’t control them. I probably even used the phrase “when I have children I will never allow them to behave that way in public!” Trust me, I would have never dreamed I would be that Mom, with that child. Until it happened. I’d like to say the differences in her behavior started when our daughter turned 3. She become more strong willed and defiant than we remember our first being. I didn’t pay it too much concern because we had just had our third baby who took a lot of the attention, so we boiled it down to jealousy. But soon after the adjustment to the new baby settled into our new normal, she was still showing more and more signs of impulsive, hyperactive behaviors. When she turned 4 we decided to enroll her in pre-k two mornings a week. She loved it and made friends easily. But at each parent teacher conference we would hear the same things “she’s just a little busy and not where her friends are academically but don’t worry mom, she will get there.” Kindergarten wasn’t too much different from that either. It was mid year kinder her pediatrician recommended us to see an occupational therapist and a psychiatrist. No one would ever use the terms ADHD or dyslexia until we met with the psychiatrist. She was able to diagnose Brooke with ADHD within minutes of being in the office, but we completed several forms and evals to recieve this diagnosis. She also recommended the school do further testing for her academic delay. Here we are just moved to a brand new school this month and her new First grade teacher is ON IT! Finally I have a teacher seeing something that I’ve seen for years. ADHD is not an excuse or a cop-out for a child’s poor behavior. We work hard everyday (every hour really!) To find our control. When you have a true diagnosis from a professional, It is very real. It is an extreme game changer for all involved and it will affect your daily activities and emotional state. To the parent of a child suffering from ADHD, You will have good days of laughing and playing outside and you may even think to yourself “wow she/he is playing well with her sibling today.” You will have nights you cry yourself to sleep feeling like a complete failure. Some of these behaviors are so intense, I catch myself responding in the same unsurd way she is and then wonder why we are suddenly in a raging screaming match! We can’t both be out of control. But holy cow I just can’t fathom why her brain processeses the way it does. That’s when I have to really remind myself that SOME (and I say that carefully) of these outbursts cannot be controlled on her own. It’s the hard truth. ADHD is real you guy’s. No excuses are ever made for her poor choices in our home but my discipline method, approach and response HAS TO BE DIFFERENT than with any other child. Why is that so hard for me to remember in the moment? Because I’m human. My brain doesn’t process the same way hers does. My prayer this year as she’s struggling more and more in school and with peers, is that she and I together can find a way to control the daily struggles better. In order for me to do this successfully is accepting that ADHD is very real. 

Dream again.

A few Months ago Kevin and I took a step of faith and joined a new home church closer to home. Today we led worship with them for the first time. This morning during our corporate prayer time before service began, both our Pastor and our worship Pastor encouraged us to dream again. As we closed our eyes and lifted our hands to receive what God had for us, I felt the weight of what felt like about a thousand pounds sitting on my chest. I couldn’t explain it. It wasn’t really nerves. It didn’t feel like my normal anxiety or fear creeping in either. It was the Holy Spirit. I think he was pressing on me to dream big. Somewhere deep within me I have dreams and visions that I’ve tucked away for either the sake of my kids or my own insecurities or lack of enough skill or confidence. Our worship pastor spoke over me before worship began and said I was going to have breakthrough in my worship today. I led out for the first time in a long time, on an unfamiliar and somewhat challenging song that I didn’t know I was leading until this morning and honestly I don’t feel like it was all that great technique wise and especially towards the end. Yet all of that aside, I felt such freedom and genuine happiness when worshiping. Jesus doesn’t pay much attention to the details I tend to play out In my own head. Jesus sees my heart for him and that dream in me. He will send shepherds to guide and train me in the skills I lack. But One thing I know for sure today is that worship can no longer be on my back burner, no matter how or when I grow in it, it can’t be my hidden dream anymore. The pressing on me was just too much to deny. 

Following his lead.

Wow. That’s the only word I have. When The Lord called us out to our new home church Declaration in August this year, we never dreamed he had intended to move our family to a new home and for our girls to attend the very same school our church gathers and prays each week. The list goes on at how many God moments we’ve seen these last few months. He’s given me visions. He’s spoken to my children in dreams and through church lessons. He’s provided me a job that I’ve prayed for for years, that just so happens to cover our new rent to the penny, the very week we were told our current house was being listed to sell. You can’t deny he’s guided us here and planned all of this. We were fearful to step out to a new church months ago. We were worried when we were told our current home was being listed, we are anxious and sad for Our girls to be uprooted mid year. But how can we feel that way still, when we have seen all he has done? I am not afraid, I am not worried, sad or anxious. I am excited! And I am fully anticipating great things!! 

What if I’m doing it all wrong?

I can’t tell you how many countless hours I’ve been pondering this thought of “What if I’m doing it all wrong?” There are so many eggs in one basket piling up all at once this week regarding Jenna medically, that my brain jumped in the “Yay! Maybe we’ll finally find an answer!” mode, again. It’s hard not to label her. I Try not to take captive one out of 12 Doctors diagnostic opinions. I know I analyze her body movements and symptoms but I don’t intend to create more issues. What if she is fine and her tests were wrong? I truly don’t know if I’m failing her and doing her a disservice here or if I’m advocating on her behalf and doing what any dedicated mom would do. There is absolutely no worse feeling. It’s heartbreaking, lonely and exhausting. What if I’m doing it all wrong? I can’t stop wondering this. But I AM a dedicated mom who wants answers for her child’s future. She was diagnosed with a real life threatening issue at a time. So what if I’m supposed to be her advocate and get her all the therapy she can get? What if I AM doing it all right? 

I have to ask myself 3 Questions:

1. Am I holding her back?

2. Will these medical decision help her in the long run? 

3. Is she happy?

(If you know her at all, you know the answer in a minute is yes! She carries so much joy with her.)

Disability and the financial woes.

I am 100% convinced that the #1 stress in a special needs families daily life is not the disability itself, but the financial struggle that tags along with it.

My youngest daughter receives SSI (supplemental security income) for several medical issues that includes a g-tube. SSI is strictly income based, NOT just medical disability based. Meaning, you may have a child who is wheelchair bound but you can earn too much money from your or your spouses job to recieve any services. SSI includes full medical coverage, it covers all of my daughters feeding supplies and they deposit money directly into my bank account every month for any of her extra needs. The stickler is you must send in check stubs each month. They keep track of every cent earned. The more income my husband may receive on any given month, the less Income SSI will deposit into our account.

SO HERE IS THE DILEMMA!

If I work a full time job, we make too much money for ANY services. If I work outside of the home, a nurse cares for my child’s special needs and I pay a nanny or daycare to keep my older girls after school. Which leaves me back to square one. Broke.

Now, let’s Say I don’t work. We will remain tight financially and Living on one income is a challenge for a family of 5. You would be surprised however how much you adapt and learn to live small. I would love to continue to be able to have the honor and flexibility of being my child’s full time advocate. Does that make me selfish? 

So Here’s where I’m at.

I want to be my child’s full time advocate but I need to earn SOME income. I have been praying for months for God to bring me more consistant opportunities to do both. Today, he answered this for me. I am so relieved and excited to feel like I’m free to do what I’m really called to do in this season, which is to be with my children. But to now also contribute finically and help take a small load off my husbands shoulders.

The financial struggle for the disabled is real.

Who knew cleaning the kitchen could be so fun.

If you know me well, you know that patience is not my parenting strength, like at all! With two out of three of my children being special needs, my awesomeness is pretty much maxed out around noon each given day. A few days ago my younger two wanted to “help” by doing the dishes. Only, no one asked mommy if they could help, they just “surprised” me. And by surprise, yes I mean they flooded my kitchen counters, floors and themselves. Normally I would have lost my mind. Any new mess or chaos that isn’t within the normal crazy over here makes me completely anxious. But this time, I snapped a photo of them, instead of snapping at them and decided to try all that was within me to use this as a teaching moment. Tonight I found a little extra time after dinner to show the little’s how to properly clean the kitchen. And to my surprise, it was so much fun!! We were singing and laughing, twirling and even getting a little wet on purpose. My kids learned a lesson while having a different kind of fun with mommy. Oh and my kitchen is clean. Maybe not by my typical standards of “clean” but cleaner than it was, none the less. I wish I could say I utilize each daily opportunity to train them, but I don’t. I’m human. I’m constantly asking the Lord to show me how to better respond so they can become all he has called them to be. It’s funny how a flooded kitchen can bring the absolute crazy mom out of me or the patient teacher. It was all about my choice of response in that moment. I hope to keep remembering that this outcome is so much more calming and fun for us all. Who knew? 😉