Grief is a funny thing and it looks different for just about everyone. My journey started the week my grandma died of dementia in the summer of 2017. I was privileged to be her part time care giver the last year of her life. I took her to dr appointments, shopping trips, lunch dates, you name it. I bathed her, blow dried her hair, clipped her nails, brushed her dentures, spoon fed her medication in her apple sauce, lifted her, changed her, sang to her and LOVED HER! Amazingly enough, even with her mind fading to a point she was unable to remember my name…SHE KNEW ME and she LOVED ME TOO. We had a very special bond like no other. There is no way to explain the guilt I felt that last week of her life just watching her die. I was her caretaker and no where in those final days was a I able to help her. It STILL hurts. Sure overtime the pain feels different. Of course she’s in a better place, healed and with her children who passed before her. But I miss her. It sounds selfish to admit it but I miss how much she needed me. I miss how much she loved me. I have a tendency to cling to what was comfortable and comforting Which has played a huge role in the season I am currently in. Soon after my grandma died I had to get myself back into the real world work force for the first time in 10 years. The same week I started my new job, my last baby was starting kindergarten. A month into my new routine, My best friend told me she was moving. And most recently, all ties were cut off of a 20 plus year friendship. I cannot even begin to put into words how heart-aching this year has been for me. At this point I recognized the pain of grieving the loss of a loved one but I never knew you could grieve something or someone who was very much still alive. I am now realizing that I’m grieving “what was” job wise. The flexibility, attending my kids school functions, simple things like making drs appointments and phone calls throughout my day. I’m grieving what was before my best friend moved away. It was ME she ran a small group with and went to dinner with. Watching her start new is a brand new experience for me. I love her enough to be thrilled when Jesus blesses her But by golly he best not bless her with a better friend than me! Just being real. I’m struggling with fear and jealousy. Every bit of my fear can be boiled down to who I believe Jesus is and who I believe I am to Jesus. I’m at a crossroads between what is normal grieving patterns and what needs some deep rooted healing. How do you grieve and heal at the same time?
The working mom 